Anger....and Sadness (and a rant against patronising judgemental idiots)

I'm feeling both in equal measure today.  I hate and detest this illness with a passion.  And it saddens me that I can't do normal everyday things.  It breaks my heart that my health has deteriorated to such an extent that I can't be the mum I want to my children a lot of the time.  Trips to the park have to be planned and are not the spontaneous fun trip they once were.  Shopping trips have to be carefully managed.  I struggle with noisy/bombardment/overstimulisation, and my children as lovely as they are can kick off and mess me around with the best of them.  I give in and end up with things we just don't need, because I just cannot cope with the meltdown and drama of not.  

We have a planned short break coming up.  A visit to friends tomorrow, another friends on thursday, on our way to a caravan break from friday to monday.  Today I *should* be getting ready, packing the car and generally getting organised.  We need some basic food shopping too - and I just can't face it.  But today every single chore has been a painful battle.  Raising my arms is exhausting and painful, moving the slightest bit is exhausting and is bringing on heart pounding (tachycardia?) and dizziness.  And yet, I'm a single mum, and these jobs have to be done.  If I don't do them, then we'll all lose out, because we won't be able to go.  

And so the kids are watching tv (the door is open and the back garden is available, but they're not in trampolining mood today) I am on my recliner, having trouble with managing my temperature (freezing cold and under blankets this morning, to suddenly hot and overheating with the window open and the breeze coming in now).

I am bone tired.  I really don't know how I can describe the physical pain in every limb when I move it.  The exhaustion that comes with ME is not just a mental exhaustion, it is physical too.  Imagine your worst ever hangover.  Then multiply it by a 100 and you'll be getting close.  I know this is probably the price I'm paying for totally overexerting myself (by doing the things everyone else takes for granted) at big camp.  Thats the thing I think.  Everyone else takes for granted just being able to say, put the washing out.  Or cook dinner.  Imagine if every day you do that it feels like climbing a mountain?

And today something really patronising and do you know what, downright rude caught my attention in the press.  Jamie Oliver (who I have some respect for in his attempt to get decent school meals into schools, and us eating nutritionally sound meals generally) has been spouting off in the press.  This article is the most patronising, hypocritical garbage I have come across in a long time.  So I just wanted to say Jamie - you, in your ivory tower, with your multimillions made off the back of paying your staff only slightly over the bare minimum wage, you have no fucking clue.  You are talking about stereotypes, and you really really don't understand do you?  Most of the people you judge for feeding their children crap, stop for just one second and wonder why?  I would love to give my children good home cooked and freshly prepared food every single day, but some days I just can't.  So I resort to ready made sauces, and frozen meals.  I really wish I didn't have to, but when I have zero choice in the matter, exactly what else do you suggest.  So what would you do if you were disabled and on a low income, living on your own with 2 young dependent children?  And you only had so much energy to use each day.  I've had to lower my standards way lower than I want to in so many areas, and I do my best.  Yes we have a reasonable telly, not a huge telly, its 32" - exactly how would it improve the food I feed my children to get rid of it?  That's the point of your debate I really really don't understand?  I have a telly because I have to rely on it sometimes for entertainment for my children.  We are incredibly lucky unlike many less well off families in that we have a garden.  The children have free access to it and get loads of exercise while I'm confined to my recliner. We grow as much homegrown fruit and veg out there that I can manage.  I do my best like many many other people in my situation.  It makes me absolutely sick to be judged and stereotyped by people who really do not understand or have a clue.

Rant over, normal service will be resumed shortly ;)